It's a common mantra heard in parenting circles: "I choose my battles."
Here are some key points to keep in mind so that "choosing your battles" is a productive, rather than a counterproductive,
parenting strategy.
Battles must be chose before they begin. If the battle has
begun, you must see it to the end. Backing out (or giving in) after the battle
has started will send your child the message that they have "won." If you said, "No" to a pre-dinner
snack, and your child responds with arguing, you cannot decide to "not fight" the battle or the child will receive
the message that arguing will help them "win" and get their way.
Prioritize. Make a list of all the
problematic behaviors you would like to stop, and the prioritize them. The highest priority behaviors should be associated
with no compromise. Behaviors related to a child's safety should be of the highest priority. Under no circumstances
is it acceptable for your child to ride his/her bike without a helmet. It is a "battle" that must always be fought and won by the parent.
Behaviors of the lowest priority can, and often should, be behaviors for which parents decide
to avoid the battle. These are behaviors that do not have a significant impact on a child's life. If you ask yourself,
"What difference will this behavior have in a week?" and can find no real significance to the behavior, it probably
falls into the low priority category. If your child insists on sleeping in jeans, there is no real significance to this
behavior in the long run. As a parent, give yourself a break and choose in advance,
not to fight the low priority battles.
Invite cooperation during the "battle". When you are dealing with middle priority behaviors...behaviors
that do not directly impact your child's well-being, but which may create negative outcomes that have real significance...invite
your child to cooperate with you in choosing the best solution. The best way to do this involves making a reflective
statement about your child's feelings, and then asking them what is going on. If your child begins to yell or cry,
calmly make a statement such as, "You seem really upset (angry/sad/worried). What's going on?" Avoid
guessing why they are upset, as you are likely to be wrong (which only makes your child more frustrated and less able to work
cooperatively in the situation). If your child can state why they are upset, make a "validating" statement
and ask for their ideas for a solution. For example, "I see. You're upset because you haven't gotten
to play with your friend in three days. I'm concerned that you won't have time to get your homework done if
you play with him/her now. Any ideas on how we can fix this?" Listen to your child's solution, and then
calmly help him/her evaluate the potential outcomes of the solution. If it's a solution that will make both of you
happy, then use that solution. Let your child know that they have found a solution that works for both of you (versus just one of you getting your way). If your child cannot identify a solution, share
one of your solutions, with the goal of working together to find a solution that makes you both happy. This strategy
will not work in every situation (e.g., high priority situations) and can take considerable practice. However, it can
be a powerful parenting tool not only for resolving conflicts, but for teaching your child how to appropriately and effectively
communicate their needs.
